


divine comedy - Friday night at 9pm

by SatanicMe



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angels need bells, Conspiracies, Crack, Gen, Kidnapped by a demon, Scripts of Radio shows, Sibling Rivalry, Stupid Sam, devilish parenting lessons, god likes popcorn, god thinks about flooding the earth, poor Radioman Christian, the Big Bang XD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-07-07 01:16:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatanicMe/pseuds/SatanicMe
Summary: This are just some crappy interviews with the characters of Lucifer. Enjoy the fun when the poor Radioman questions his sanity during dive Sex Education or gets a little bit of an 'oh holy shit, god is going to destroy us all' freak out





	1. Mr. Big G

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NathTE](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NathTE/gifts).



Radioman: Good evening and welcome to Christian's weekly chit and chat with celebrities. Today evening we have a special guest on the radio. Do you want to introduce yourself, Sir?

God: Why not. So I am God, thanks for destroying my beautiful world humans. I wonder why I had not flooded this planet again.

Radioman: *Chuckles* You are a funny one, aren't you? Why do you role play as God, Mr. God?

God: I am not a role player. *shows his divinity to the radioman*

Radioman: OH HOLY SHIT! DAMN- THATS WITH THE SHOW FOR THE DAY! I AM QUITTING!!!

God: *annoyed* Always pleading for proof but if you give a mere glimpse of divinity they all freak out. Typical human.

Radioman: Well, we tend to freak out if we realize that we are talking to a god, who could easily ERASE US FROM EXISTENCE JUST SNIPPING WITH HIS FINGERS!

God: I am not Thanos. I can do it with a single blink.

Radioman: *throws something and storms out*

God: *singsongs* Dramaqueen.


	2. Evil incarnate aka Lucifer FUCKING Morningstar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well since God had visited the poor Radioman why don't we fuck with his life a little bit more?

Radioman: Good evening LA. I am back since well things have settled a little bit on my side after my breakdown. Probably you guys are curious who is invited this night evening. Let me introduce you the famous, not straight and hot clubowner Lucifer Morningstar.

Lucifer: Thanks for having me, Christian.

Radioman: It's my pleasure, Mr. Morningstar.

Lucifer: Please call me Lucifer.

Radioman: Alright, Lucifer. Isn't your name a strange name? Is it an artist name or had your parents given you it?

Lucifer: Actually I gave myself that name to forget about my past. Although with my family popping up here and there not remembering the old times is quite impossible.

Radioman: You have family? I had picked you as the One Man Army kind of guy.

Lucifer: Trust me, I can be a one guy army. My family and me had a huge fallout and are now still at least mostly not on speaking terms.

Radioman: Figures with that name. Do you have sibling?

Lucifer: Of course. Bloody hell I have even so many siblings that I lost my count. One is quite famous all around the world.

Radioman: An international celebrity? Can you delight me who that might be?

Lucifer: Are you dumb? It is Jesus! Hell, that guy knew how to throw a dad damn party. I wish sometimes he is still alive.

Radioman: *whispering* I am having a bad feeling about this...*investigating further* Jesus is your brother, so you are claiming the real devil?

Lucifer: yes, here I thought you already knew after your episode with dad. You know, I am wondering why he hasn't flooded the earth yet, too. Nuclear bombs everywhere? Seriously? Have you lost your sense of life prevention?

Radioman: Not again the flood...

Lucifer: Maybe I should raise some hell in the Vatikan city. Those pedophiles really need some real punishment.

Radioman: Are you threatening the pope right now?

Lucifer: No, I just stated some facts and considered a possibility. But maybe...

Radioman: Ok, no more conspiracies against church. Can you proof that you are the actual devil? I have heard some rumors but there are always chances that I am just talking to an actor.

Lucifer: *shows off his wings*

Radioman: Oh god damn it.

God: *appears* No I don't damn it. But I'll damn the world.

Radioman: We're fucked.

Lucifer: Seriously Dad? That was supposed to be my interview!

God: He said my name.

Lucifer: You're just so-Unbelievable. People chant your name during sex and do appear to them?

God: Sometimes...

Lucifer: What the hell, Dad?! I- Wow. That's surprising. Even for you. *hiding his face in his hands*

Radioman: I am disturbed for my life...

God: In my defense they called my name first so why not join the gangbang when they invite me?

Lucifer: This is so embarrassing. Here I though Mom was the horny sex driven part of your marriage.

God: She learnt everything of me.

Radioman: God and the Devil are talking about sex... I really wonder what has become of my life.

Lucifer: *begins suddenly to laugh* Yeah. Sex. This is just... I imagined the looks on these knowledge searching scientist when they find out what happened during the 'big bang'

God: The Big Bang? *confused*

Lucifer: The creation of the universe?

Radioman: I think I don't want to hear the story....

God: *comprehends* Oh... That had been when I fucked your mother so hard that-

Radioman: Sorry for the interruption. The broadcast is now shut off because the discussed stuff is only for 18 years and older. Until next weak.


	3. Doctor Linda Martin, Professional therapist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time we got a Little bit more normal visitor

Radioman: Good night again, LA. I hope you haven't had that a bad week as me as I had to figure out the universe again. Well, today's guest is just the popular therapist Doctor Linda Martin.

Linda: Good Evening Christian. Thanks for the invite.

Radioman: Thank you for coming. Figuring we had some freaky interviews the last times let's today stay at some more normal topics.

Linda: Are you still having your breakdown? Poor you.

Radioman: Yeah, I'll survive. Somehow... wait you know?! Aren't you supposed to be more sane?

Linda: Yeah I know *laughs* You cannot deny the existence of the devil after seeing some seriously scary shit.

Radioman: You mean wings?

Linda: I have seen them, too, but compared to that what I have seen they had been... cute?

Radioman: Yeah well, let's stop the whole the devil exists discussion. Back to you. Is it true that you had been involved in the telephone sex market during your college time?

Linda: *nodding her head while she chews her lips* Yes, I was. But that is now in the past

Radioman: you had left just recently the hospital. Am I allowed to ask what happened?

Linda: Seriously? I am not sure if I am comfortable with sharing that story.

Radioman: Alright... but I have admit that I am still very curious.

Linda: Well, if you are so curious I can maybe share some details. I had been harassed by a woman.

Radioman: Oh I am sorry for questioning.

Linda: Don't mind. Next question?

Radioman: I heard some rumors that you changed the flags and you are in a committed relationship with a woman? Can you confirm these rumors or are they just lies?

Linda: It's true. I am gay. Fuck homophobic because being gay is not unnatural or a psychological disorder. I am after all a therapist.

Radioman: That was a confident statement, Doctor Martin.

Linda: I didn't do it for me but for some of my patients who are in therapy because of these stupid homophobic one way minded stuck up pricks.

Radioman: Understandable. Though I am straight I am pro LGBT. A girlfriend, huh? Do you want to share with me?

Linda: Nope, I am very satisfied with her. She is really awesome in bed. I literally have a demon on a leash whose voice can make me-

Radioman: Dr. Martin, I think that were enough details for tonight. Don't forget about our prude listener.

Linda: Right.

Radioman: goodbye LA, have a good night.

 


	4. The devil's three - With much whatever....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The devil and his consort? Maybe that is not that good of an idea? Especially if the second is a surprise guest and also another summonding happens

Radioman: This a another beautiful night for you at least LA, since the devil is here again and don't really want to be screwed over again but he pays good money so fuck damn it.

Lucifer: For your interest you agreed to the deal. It is not like I forced you.

Radioman: Yeah... *still shudders because the second powerful being of the universe sits randomly across of him on a plastic chair*

Chloe: *slaps lucifer* did you seriously payed him off?

Lucifer: Detective, I didn't know you were in spanking mood right now. If you want we can-

Radioman: No more sex talk in my show.

Chloe: Well that means somebody has to shut up since he's constantly talking about sex.

Lucifer: very funny Detective. I can survive a day without even suggesting sex. It's just a very enjoyful activity. You should try it, Christian. Sex really helps with stress.

Radioman: I might consider it, but can we please come back to the show?

Lucifer: fine.

Radioman: Who is that lovely lady that has accompanied you today?

Chloe: I am his girlfriend. Detective Chloe Decker from the LAPD.

Radioman: Do you believe him being the devil, Detective.

Lucifer: She does *gets another smack*

Chloe: I can speak for myself Lucifer, I am not a scared little girl, you know

Lucifer: How could I forget? Showing off your body in front of the camera takes a special degree bravery after all.

Radioman: In front of the camera? I don't understand.

Lucifer: She is a celebrity! The Detective here played in the nest Highschool comedy that is available on the market! You should see it! The name of the movie I- *is muted with a pillow in his face*

Chloe: We don't need to speak about my acting skills.

Radioman: *watches the scene amused before going on questioning* How did you meet each other? Have you been to Lucifer's club, Detective Decker?

Chloe: Yes, but it has been work related because a friend of Lucifer's got murdered in front of LUX. Delilahs death had been on the news.

Lucifer: She looked miraculously as she had entered the club making her way to my piano

Radioman: An unusual story for an unusual couple. What happened then?

Lucifer: She questioned me-

Chloe: He followed me-

Lucifer: We investigated the case together-

Chloe: He also kept annoying me with sex offers

Lucifer: Sex is always on the table for you, my dear

Chloe: Not now Lucifer.

Radioman: yeah, don't want to have any liquids in my studio

Lucifer: she started it!

Chloe: don't be so childish.

Lucifer: I am eons older than you and am not childish.

Chloe: You just proofed you are a old man.

Lucifer: No, because I am not a man.

Radioman: *growing annoyed* Just stop the god damn bickering.

God: *appears* Hello, you called me?

Radioman: I am out. *stops the broadcast*


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some normality and curiousness about the Sinnerman

Radioman: Good evening, LA. It's a very beautiful night today and perfect time to make a Supernatural marathon with your friends. Today we have two guests from the LAPD, that were directly involved in the Sinnerman debacle just some weeks ago.

Dan: About that... everything is classified right now so we are not allowed to speak about the case.

Radioman: Oh come on! Isn't there any information you can maybe give to the public?

Ella: The Investition is still going on and the FBI does not any unwelcome curious guys sniffing around so no.

Radioman: Well then... do you want to introduce yourself?

Dan: Right. I am Detective -oh forget about that - Officer Dan Espinoza from the homicide department.

Ella: My name is Ella Lopez and I work as the forensic scientist and professional hugger of the LAPD.

Radioman: Professional Hugger? Seriously? This job exists?

Ella: No, but it should! Do you know how many people are still shocked when they get hugged? It's as if they never got any affection in their lives and that is just so sad! Especially my two friends are two really bad cases. One had almost ripped me in pieces having misinterpreted my hug as a killing plot.

Radioman: And you are still friends with that person? Would that not be... I don't know... suicidal?

Ella: She is a good person and a part of the tribe. No way I would simply end our friendship.

Dan: Strange woman indeed but when you know Maze she is not that bad. Scaring and frightening as hell? Yes.

Radioman: Sounds like the perfect definition of a badgirl. Is she still single?

Ella: Maze is way out for your league so even if stop dreaming.

Radioman: alright...

Dan: it's getting boring here. Can we go?

Radioman: But the broadcast is still going on!

Azrael: *comes in* Is that your boyfriend you told me about, Ella?

Ella: *ignores Rae-Rae because she still thinks she is just a ghost*

Radioman: how did you get past security?

Azrael: Duh, I am the angel of death that means I can get past of anything because death is everywhere.

Ella: *shocked* you told me you were a ghost!

Dan: Is that Rae-Rae?

Azrael: Yep. What a nice fellow you are. *turns to ella* sorry, Ella. Dad did not allow me to tell the truth to humans until well... last week?

Radioman: Great another angel. Just whatever...

Azrael: Your fault for interviewing dad.

Ella: When you are an angel doesn't that mean Lucifer is one too? He knew your name!

Radioman: Goodbye, LA. Have a good night. *Cuts the show off and drinks a bottle of vodka*


	6. Don't speak with a pissed off god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just don't. Not if you want to stay sane. A pissed off god may reveal some truths that just fuck you up (even more)

Radioman: alright... *is kind of nervous* hello again LA... it's a nice night for another interview, isn't it? Yeah... *sings* everything is awesome, when you live out a dream.

God: *has already a bad mood because he had to do some shit to keep some forest burns under control* Are you seriously denying things in front of me right now? Seriously! I am not without a reason called the allknowing

Radioman: *sings* In denial  
No, my life's a trial  
I'm not denying that every little bit hurts  
It's a problem, that I'm not solving  
Don't mind admitting  
I feel like quitting this job  
For a while,  
Getting away before it gets any worse today

God: *groans* Ugh. I really should create another plague...

Radioman: *suddenly stops singing* uuhm... another plague? Does that mean... you created already one?

God: *sighing* how do you think I keep the world living? Doing tricks?

Radioman: *ask-state a fact*you are god.

God: *sighs* that does not mean I can snap the finger and make everybody happy... ok, I could do that but it kinda would fuck up your free will and yeah. Not discussing about that right now

Radioman: aren't you supposed to be all-loving?

God: *slaps his face exasperated* no. Definitely not. Especially not those politician idiots who just fuck up their country and ignore all the important problems. Like Germany, England or Poland... what the fuck is going on there?! Yes I am allknowing but that dumbheads are even confusing me.

Radioman: What is going on there? If I may ask?

God: Seriously? I've got no idea. How does a cleanse sound like? You humans did that.

Radioman: yeah. That... doesn't sound good. We are living beings and most countries acknowledged the basic human right so you would kind of get a really awful reputation

God: Haven't you killed all these Jews only some mere decades ago?

Radioman: No. Germany did that.

God: what's up with all the killed soldiers in Vietnam?

Radioman: Don't mention Vietnam

God: And these woman on burning sticks?

Radioman: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so obsessed with bloody massacres?!

God: well for one earth is dying and I don't plan on forming a pile of mud again just because some incredible stubborn living beings could not even do the one single task I gave them.

Radioman: Man, what are you talking about?

God: I said, 'respect the nature and it shall respect you' and what did you do? 'Burn the nature and fucking kill everything'

Radioman: eh........ well... alright.....

God: stupid mortals. *is to annoyed and disappears. It's not sure if he actually is tinkering on a new plague right now*

Radioman: *scared because god possibly might create a cruel massacring death plagu * I want to mommy...


	7. Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The line between sane and crazy is very thin

Radioman: *slurring drunk* gogogoood Eeevening LA! Guess whose life is shit? Miiiineeee! I am crazy, fucked up insane! Wooorahyyhshe

Regular guy: Uhm... everything ok with you? Shouldn't we maybe make the interview on another date?

Radioman: Whyyyyy? It would not change the fact I am bullocks wonderland *sings* CRAAAAAZZZYYYYY

Regular guy: Ehm... *weirded out* you know we are right now on the show?

Radioman: YEEEEASSSSAAA BABY

Regular guy: Alright. I am just taking a break *leaves the studio*

Radioman: *waits while he sings in a high pitched and slurring voice* I remember when  
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind  
There was something so pleasant about that place  
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space  
And when you're out there, without care  
Yeah I was out of touch  
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough  
I just knew too much  
Does that make me crazy?  
Does that make me crazy?  
Does that make me crazy?  
Possibly  
And now that you are having the time of your life  
Well think twice  
That's my only advice  
Come on now, who do you  
Who do you, who do you  
Who do you think you are?  
Ha ha ha, bless your soul  
You really think you're in control?  
Well  
I think you're crazy  
I think you're crazy  
I think you're crazy  
Just like me  
My heroes had the heart  
To lose their lives out on a limb  
And all I remember, is thinking  
I wanna be like them  
Mm hmm ever since I was little  
Ever since I was little it looked like fun  
And it's no coincidence I've come  
And I can die when I'm done  
Maybe I'm crazy  
Maybe you're crazy  
Maybe we're crazy  
Probably ooh hmm

Radioman: *realizes the guy had left* oh weeeeellll!!! Fuck off YOUUUU DUMMMMMbbbbbbrrrr *collapses*


	8. Miss Smith, the substitute and Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christian, the original Radioman is away on a relaxing holiday trip after he had his latest break down and almost died in cause of alcohol poisoning.
> 
> So here is his Substitut Sam Spencer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did choose the name Sam deliberately.

Radioman#2: Hello and a good evening to you, LA. Since my boss isn't here today, thank you for all these worried comments on our Facebook page, I will be his substitute for today. My name is Sam and today we have got a good friend of the devil himself in the studio! It's Mazikeen Smith, a successful bounty hunter of the LAPD.

Maze: Your boss isn't here? Come on, Lucifer said he was funny to mess with!

Radioman#2: Yeah, well. The boss is right now out of the country for a stress decreasing roundtrip.

Maze: hrmpf. Stupid weak human.

Radioman#2: Yeah. We are all stupid and weak whatever *thinks she is just a role actor* How did you learn to be as good you are now with your perfect reputation in tracking criminals?

Maze: Well I would say it came natural to me because of the place I grew up and the job I was first assigned there. Although some of my siblings are just embarrassing awful at tracking anything so maybe I was created with the talent.

Radioman#2: Where did you grow up?

Maze: I was created in hell by my mother Lilith, who had been casted down by *spitting* God for disobeying her abusive and controlling husband Adam. After that I grew up near the fiery pit, that was used as entrance for the guilty souls until somewhere around 1913.

Radioman#2: *not believing a single word but decides to keep playing* Wasn't hell frightening in your childhood? Being near all these tortured souls and scaring demons?

Maze: tortured souls? What the hell is supposed to be frightening about that? You humans really don't understand fun. I enjoyed punishing sinners since I have encountered the first one that had crossed my way. Their screams of pain, pleads for mercy and their desperate prayers to god who is not coming to their help. You should try it. It's far more funny than these stupid tv shows your lot watches

Radioman#2: *tries not to show his aversion to the horror like reveal of his guest's favorite activity* Sounds quite interesting. Are there any special places in hell for specific kinds of criminals or psychopaths like that awful guy who ruined Germany and killed with their help systematically millions of Jews because he believed they were impure?

Maze: You mean Hitler? Nah. He was just disposed like trash in a cell and did not get any special treatment giving him what he wanted. He always strived for attention and we demons well just were annoyed by his crazy speaks of purification and the perfect breed.

  
Radioman#2: *didnt expect that answer* Right... well. Everyone gets what he deserves right? How about certain sections of hell? Is it like Dante's Inferno?

Maze: Not exactly. There are different torturing offices in hell. Most sinners are brought to the central office where they only get their own cell assigned and a once in a millennia meeting with a demon who judges if the sorry loser has now paid enough suffering in his own guilt or if he has to endure another millennia.

Radioman#2: Wait, the demons decide wether the sinners are worthy to go to heaven or not? Shouldn't - I don't know - the angels do that? Aren't they responsible for heaven?

Maze: You seriously think some of these arrogant feathered asses would even dare to come to hell?! Damn it no. It's us demons who have to do all the shitty work by sorting the redeemed souls out, preparing them to enter heaven and then meet up with the angels on a plane that resides next to earth between hell and heaven for the sake of neutral grounds.

Radioman#2: I notice some strong hate there. Had something happened in the past to make you hate the angels that much? And isn't the devil an angel, too? Do you hate him? How does that rivalry work?

Maze: Eh, yeah. Quite many things have happened. Once upon a time ago those dicks had the nerve to interfere with every little thing in hell, enslaving is because we were creatures of the darkness and therefore undoubtedly evil - Fun fact: this myth is wrong. Same as angels and humans demons have souls. We just grew up in a fiery pit without nice sunshine or fluffy clouds. - and well we rebelled. Around the same time our master had been kicked out for requesting free will in his home domain aka heaven. Seeing that we had similar aims we demons then chose him as our leader and together we hunted out the bastards. I am very thankful for this act and love to be my masters subordinate.

Radioman#2: I have to admit that I have never met such an insightful and talented role actor before but seriously are you believing all this crap, Miss Smith?

Maze: *sneers* Oh yes I do because I am no fucking actor and I will make you believe in this so called crap too!

Radioman#2: Good luck with that. Without any actual proof I doubt that anybody will buy in your story.

Maze: *stays up with a wicked grin and grabs both of the radioman's arms*

Radioman#2: *nervous and confused* What are you doing? Stop it! This is sexual harassment! I'll call the police!!!

Maze: No you won't. *laughs mischievous and licks the guy's face before staring into his eyes with her face only some centimeters away from his*

Radioman#2: This- Stop it! You are raping me! HELP!!! PLEASE HELP!!!

Maze: *shows him her demon face*

Radioman#2: *shrieks like a girl before the radio broadcast is shut off*

 

 


	9. Big devil is watching you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie sneaked off and Daddy Lucifer had to teach a lesson

Radioman: Good evening, LA. It's me, your good old Christian again. Sorry about my last broadcast. Much stuff had been going on privately and now I am better again. Thank you all for your very thoughtful and heartfelt comments, guys. Now back to the show. Today's guest is a little bit smaller than our usuals. Say hello to our listeners.

Trixie: hello! My name is Beatrice but everyone calls me Trixie except my mother's boyfriend who will arrive here in exactly 10 seconds.

Radioman: wait I thought your parents already knew about the interview.

Trixie: My guardian demon signed the document you said I had to get signed by my guardian.

Radioman: *groans*

Lucifer: *breaks in and destroys the door*

Radioman: *buries his head in his hands*

Lucifer: *shouts annoyed* Of all the things you could have gotten yourself in trouble it was tricking an adult and sneaking in a radio show? You know your mother will be furious with you and angry at me for being a bad influence for you?

Trixie: Well actually Maze had allowed me to do this...

Lucifer: *sighing* Tell me spawn, would you jump out of a window if Maze told you to do it?

Trixie: yes, because she would never try to hurt me and would have a good reason for it, too.

Radioman: Maze... that woman attacked last week my employee.

Lucifer and Trixie: *both turn to christian* Shut up, Chris!

Radioman: *throws his hands into the air* the show is all yours *slightly scared by Trixie's badass glance taught by Mazikeen Smith and Lucifer's slightly annoyed aka 'another-word-and-you-will-regret-it' glare*

Lucifer: what if Maze would tell you to tear apart 'Mr. Finkles'?

Trixie: she doesn't do such things.

Lucifer: don't avoid the question!

Trixie: I wouldn't do it...

Lucifer: Why is that?

Trixie: It's because Mr Finkles is important to Mommy and she told me not to do that...

Radioman: *watches the father-daughter moment between Trixie and the devil* what the bubbly glibber is going on?

Lucifer and Trixie: *shout* Just shut the fuck up, Christian!

Lucifer: *to trixie* well you are important to your mother, too, and she doesn't want that something happens to you. That is why you always should ask her first before doing reckless things like manipulating documents. You know, this could already count as sign forgery what is a very serious and bad problem.

Trixie: *guiltily* I didn't know... sorry Lucifer...

Lucifer: spare your energy for your mother. She is quite angry and has her speak of doom for you already prepared.

Trixie: damn.

Radioman: Am I allowed to speak again?

Lucifer and Trixie: NO!

 

 

 


	10. Writer’s blockade

I wanted you all to know why I have not been updating much any stories of mine these last months.

Writer’s blockade and missing motivation hindered me.

I still have got no ideas and also am not actually in the mood to write even though I want to.

But well.... everytime i start something it ends after the first or third sentence.

So please, if any of you have ideas, prompts or challenges for me to write I would be quite happy about it.

 

Thank you all  
Your author who writes nothing or far too depressed shit.


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